Chase reviews - The Australian X-Factor

The hit British TV show 'X-Factor' moves down under, and looks to continue the Cowell plan for world domination.

X-Factor winners 2005 - Random. Only image availabel in googlesearch.

 

The Australian version of the show features the same format of live auditions, judged by a panel containing one girl, two singers, and one huge asshole with a superiority complex. however, there are subtle but major differences in this antipodean version. Whilst the British version featured quite a lot of singing, the Aussie version has decided to jettison 99% of the singing in favour of long lingering pauses by the judges.



The entire bootcamp episode featured next to no singing. A chosen few auditionees were given about 6 seconds each of accapella singing, but the majority of the show consisted of close ups of teary wannabe's being told 'yes' or 'no' by our celebrity judges. Given that we hadn't heard any of these contestants actually sing, this meant that we literally didn't give a shit if these people got through or not.



The only person who we did hear 'sing' was Hippeweasel rocker Aliyan Childs. He made it through the bootcamp despite forgetting the lyrics in his initial audition, his second audition and his final audition. Given that the job description of 'singer' has two parts, and one of them is 'remember the lyrics' this seemed to be a strange choice.

This is about as famous as this guy is ever going to get.

 

As ever, the show isn't about the contestants as much as it is about the judges. Watching Guy Sebastian try and pretend that he gives a shit about beating Ronan Keating is about as convincing as watching a squirrel do an elephant impression. This show is about as competitive as the Amish army, unless the competition is for who can come up with the most banal sounding advice for a prospective superstar.



And then there is Kyle. Kyle seems to be under the impression that he is ascerbic and witty. Despite being fired from every job he's ever had for being a prize douchenozzle, Kyle continues to fire his nausiating put downs to the contestants under the obvious misapprehension that he is 'keeping it real', and 'edgy'. It is obvious that the show is looking to make him the focus of the manufactured controversy that goes with all these programmes - which seems like a good decision given Kyles histry of getting 12 eyar old girls to admit rape via lie detector test live on air - but the cringeworthy truth is that Kyle is just trying too hard to be contraversial.



Maybe when the show gets towards the singing things will pick up, but so far, all we have seen is the judges look tired and about 100 people either cry or celebrate.



3 stars, some funny bits.

Chase reviews : Stephen Wilces CV

It isn't an exaggeration to say that I have seen thousands of CV's in my time. You could say that I am somewhat of an expert. My own CV is so strong that it is written on delicious bacon. I have always had three specific rules that I have advised people to stick to in order to secure that dream job.


1. Keep it to three pages or less
2. Print it on delicious bacon
3. make sure that you replace all 'factual statements' with 'copious amounts of bullshit'.


The CV of Steve Wilce, until recently New Zealands most senior defence scientist, is not printed on any type of scrumptious pig product, and as such is initially disappointing. However, in a triumph of style over substance, the sheer amount of umitigated poppycock contained within the three pages measn that this is document of such fantastic fibbery, it deserves more attention.


As with any good publication, Wilce draws the reader in with a couple of believable tidbits to whet the appetite. Wilce claims that he was a British Royal Marine, and designed the guidance for a british missle. These lies are a work of subtle genius. Whilst it is indeed feasible that someone with facial hair may have indeed served in the British Military, this is blatantly not the case. Wilce's thin, weedy 'tache wouldn't stand up to the rigours of even the most rudimentary of barracks hazings, and his taste in ties is slightly gay.

Tie not becoming of an officer

The start might be slow, but once you get into the meat of the resume, you begin to see where the real genius lies.

Stephen Wilce claimed he was part of the Great Britain Olympic Bobsled team at the 1988 Winter Olympics, and met the guys who inspired the John candy film, Cool Runnings.


Seriously. Genius.


This whopper has the advantage of being so outlandish that you can't be bothered to fact check it. I mean, how does being an Olympic Bobsled Champion help you get a job in the Kiwi defence department? It is an outlandish lie for absolutely no reason, and that is where the genius lies.

Not pictured : An Olympic Athlete.

Overall, this CV is a solid entry into the genre, and would only receive a higher rating if it were printed on delicious bacon. As it is, I award this CV 4 stars.

Chase reviews - MOBY DICK THE MUSICAL - By GEOIDS

I have no idea what I have just seen. It was either the worst piece of theatre I have ever seen in my life, or a work of art so mindboggling in its genius that it deserves its place in history alongside Andy Kaufmann, Hunter S Thompson or the inventor of the spork. As such I can’t really be all that objective with this review, so what I am going to do is walk you through the experience, so you can judge for yourself.

7.00pm
I met up with Pip and Matt in the pub beforehand. We really have no idea what to expect, but Matt tells us that there are a lot of ‘dick’ jokes and a man dressed as a woman, who then plays a man.

7.25
Walking up to the theatre we see a lot of ‘naughty schoolgirl’ types hanging around outside. I think they are trying to improve lines a schoolchild might say, but it sort of sounds like my dad trying to sound street. Which is odd, because most of them actually are teenagers.

7.30
Bought my ticket and waiting to go in. The cast are in the foyer and interacting with the audience. And by interacting, I mean annoying. Some of the cast are boys dressed up as schoolgirls, which I’m sure is hilarious.

7.31
I’m pretty sure one of the cast is Victor Obogu in a blonde wig. There are no words.

7.35
Okay its starting. I think we have a flavour of what this is going to be. We are in a school assembly, and one of the teachers, played by a man in drag, is reading out some really unfunny notices.

7.36
My mistake, that is actually a woman.

7.40
The whole cast is onstage now, and there are about 60 of them. My favourite are the three old dears at the back, who look a bit scared. I know how they feel.

7.45
Okay, here comes the man dressed as the woman. He is playing the head mistress. You know Rupert Everett in drag, its kind of like that, except awful, and with more than a touch of the rapist about him.

7.47
Okay, I’m not sure what is going on, but I am going to take a guess and say that the school is going to put on a musical to raise some money. Victor Obogu agrees. I think he is standing next to someone from KISS.

7.49
Okay. Plot update. Someone in glasses has written Moby Dick the musical, which the girls at this school are going to rehearse and perform. The man dressed as a woman headteacher is going to play Ahab, which cleverly means it will be a man playing a woman playing a man. Oh God someone is running across the stage with some blue fabric, I think they are going to sing.

8.00
Yep. “It’s Moby Dick, Moby Dick the Musical..”. The old lady looks confused. Ahab has just been wheeled on in a shopping trolley, and he is wearing one cricket pad. Victor Obogu and the dude from Kiss have snuck under the blue sheet, but we can see their shadows being cast on the back wall. The words MOBY DICK are projected onto the back wall. For some reason, none of the cast have any trousers on.

8.10
Ishmael is in Nantucket now. I can tell because someone has projected ‘NANTUCKET’ on the back wall. Other than that I am a bit lost. Someone calls Ishmael ‘Fishmael’ and everyone gasps. I have no idea why.

8.15
Okay, they seem to be in some sort of bar or tavern, maybe Ishmael is looking for somewhere to sleep? There is a man spanking another man at the back, and a woman dressed up as a german SS officer watching everything. The bar seems to be owned by a large bald gay man with no trousers on. Someone calls her Fishmael again. All gasp.

8.20
Heres Ahab again. I think he’s returned from somewhere, because I think that other girl is meant to be his wife. She is wearing a wedding dress and screaming. Oh, now shes run off.

8.21
Ahab seems to be sad that his wife has run off (although he seems to think she’s died?) I can’t concentrate on the song though, because I can see right into the wings, and Ahabs wife is getting out of her costume, and I just saw some boob.

8.25
Back to Ishmael now, and the weird bar. The mane of the bar is projected on the back wall. She says shes going to go upstairs, and some ominous music sounds. Again, I have no idea why. WHY IS NO ONE WEARING ANY TROUSERS?

8.26
Ishmael is now upstairs and…..holy shit….what the f*ck is that projection? It looks like some sort of sentient toy doll looking sad, sitting in the corner of a large empty room. That is literally the freakiest thing I have ever seen.

8.27
Ishmael is talking to an African tribeswoman in her bedroom. I’m not sure what they are talking about, but they seem to be friends. The African Tribeswoman (who is a white girl in her 20’s) has a necklace made of bones and talks in a really bad Jamaican accent. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure this is racist in some way.

8.40
I have no idea what the last 10 minutes was about, but everyone is smiling a whole lot. Except Victor Obogu of course.

8.45
They are now in church I think, and about to sing some gospel. Hang on, nope, its not gospel. I think it was meant to be gospel, but again it’s pretty much just racist. Victor Obogu doesn’t seem to mind though. Three women in identical wedding dresses stand on stage right. And now they’ve walked off again.

8.46
I have just noticed one of the chaps has a squirrel sticking out the side of his head.

8.50
An Irish drinking song. Of course. Now the whole cast are singing and marching in time to the music. Somehting about America I think. Holy Shit, they are only flying in a 25 foot American Flag!

8.55
Interval. I am thinking about leaving and missing the second act, but I have a nagging suspicion that somehow this will all come together and make sense in the second act. I think I shall see it through, if only for the sake of Victor Obogu and his pal from KISS.

9.15
So the second act... On the way in, one of the cast members asks me if I have donated any money yet. I tell her I have, although I haven’t actually seen anyone collecting any money. We take our seats and it begins. I think they are on a ship. At no point have I heard mention of a whale. Everyone is still without trousers for some reason. They decide to party (the projection on the wall says it), which seems to involve 35 people doing a box step over and over again. Except the three old dears, who are waving their arms in the air. Someone throws 6 beach balls into the audience.

9.20 Aha! I think I just heard something about a whale. Ahab has come out and sung something about revenge and madness. In the dark. A woman in a blue dress waves at him from the top of the stairs, before running off. The projection on the back wall is of a sad face. It also has the word ‘madness’ written above it. The cast are just repeating the words ‘moby dick’ over and over again, so I assume they are trying to catch it. One girl in the cast shouts out “Cock!” at the top of her voice.

9.21
I was right, they are singing a song about how awesome whaling is. Projected onto the back wall are pictures of bloody whale carcasses. It is horrifically disturbing. Victor Obogu seems to really like whaling. Hang on, is that a picture of a whale CUT IN HALF? It is. The cast are singing in front of a 15 foot picture of half a whale.

9.30
Just when I thought I was following things….. so Ahab seems to be in Las Vegas now (it is projected on the back wall), singing a disco tune. One girl in a sailors outfit is dancing around him, and 4 people in red dresses are walking around the stage. One of the ladies just tripped over her dress, and her boob fell out. Victor Obogu and Mr Kiss pick up Ahab on their shoulders. The spotlight is in Victor and Mr Kiss face, so they squint. Ahab is singing, but he is out of the light now.

9.33
So, now this girl with no trousers is singing about something and holding up a gun. I’m not sure what it is she’s singing about, but the projection says ‘mutiny’. I can’t really tell what is going on, because the whole thing is in darkness. One guy at the back is in the light, but he just says “sacre Bleu!” and then leaves.

9.40
She’s still singing, but now the whole cast are on stage. I have just spotted an old man. I’m sure he’s not been there before. He seems to be beating someone up in the background.

9.42
Still singing. Everyone has left her alone. Sometimes she’s welsh.

9.43
She’s finished, so it looks like shes going to Ahabs cabin. The projection shows a picture of a kettle in a barge. Oh, hang on, shes singing again.

9.55
I seriously have no idea what is going on. A gay chap with an English accent has been singing about finding a little boy. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that the actor is a possible homosexual. Victor Obogu, the guy from Kiss and a Chinese man are dancing around. I think squirrel head guy might be a beat or so behind, but then again it could just be a mild seizure.

10.00
More racist dancing from the woman playing the savage. The three old dears have been given inflatable palm trees to hold. Oh shit! A woman has just fallen off the back of the stage!

10.01
Now they are singing about the woman falling off the back of the stage. I can her getting changed into rollerskates in the wings. Now someone has pushed her across the stage on the rollerskates. People clap.

10.05
They are all looking out at the audience and pointing. I think they are trying to say that they have finally seen Moby Dick, and that they are scared about it. Some cast members run into the auditorium with water pistols and squirt them at the audience. This seems to annoy people. Other cast members have mops, with which they hit audience members. Once they have done this, they all go back onto the stage. Lets see how they handle the appearance of a 50 foot whale on stage!!! I can’t wait!

10.08
Everyone on stage now has an umbrella. Still no trousers in sight.

10.10
Okay, so everyone with an umbrella has now chased Ahab off the stage. Except there isn’t enough room in the wings, so it takes about 2 minutes of embarrassed shuffling to get them all off.

10.11
Ishmael now comes onto stage, chased by cast members dragging a blue bedsheet (which has a crown embroidered on it.)

10.12
Okay, I think I know what happened. The Whale sunk the ship, and Ishmael washed up on a desert island, and a gay chap in the floppy hat rescues her. He kisses her, and she fights him off, but he isn’t taking no for an answer. As the gay chap rapes Ishmael, the company come to the front and bow.

10.13
Ahab has now changed back into drag, and is carrying a metal box. She is very pleased about it. She says the school has been saved, and its something to do with this metal box. The cast look very happy, except Victor Obogu, who is talking to the Chinese man at the back.

10.14
They all break into song and dance. Some of the cast come into the audience, and one girl gets an audience member to dance with her. I can see him considering if suicide would be a useful escape. It won’t.

10.16
It ends, and the audience shuffle out of the theatre unsure of exactly what just went on. It was kind of like being raped in the eyes by a jam doughnut. Kind of, but not exactly

Chase reviews IN THE LOOP

In the Loop *****

It is surprising that this is Armando Iannucci’s first foray into feature film making. As the genius behind pretty much all of the best UK comedy since Blackadder, including The Day Today, Alan Partridge, and The Thick of It; you would have thought that highly paid Hollywood would snap him up to add gags to the latest Renee Zellwegger vehicle.

It is fortunate then, that his first cinematic outing has been all his own work. In The Loop is a big screen companion piece to the critically acclaimed The Thick of It, which was a sort of cross between Yes Minister and The Office. Hapless Simon Foster (Tom Hollander) the (fictional) Secretary of State for International Development accidentally declares the likelihood of war in the middle east as “unforeseeable”. This slight slip up, sees Foster becoming a political piggy in the middle between war mongers and peacenicks in London and Washington, and gives us an excuse for some excellent set pieces, and hilarious one liners.

Peter Capaldi once again steals the show as Malcolm Tucker, the foul mouthed spin doctor and manipulator of souls employed by the Prime Minister. His insults and digs at his opponents are so wince inducing cruel that it is of no surprise to see a ‘swearing consultant’ credited. Chris Addison excels as the everyman caught up in the whirlwind of political spin, and there are some standout cameos – no name actors stealing the cameo show from Steve Coogan, clearly doing a favour for his mate.

I doubt this will play well in the states, and the 2009 release seems a little like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted, hoever, this film will be battling it out with Sasha Baron Cohens Bruno for most quoted of the summer.

Seriously, see this film.

Chase reviews YES MAN

Yes Man ***

The concept is simple – if you are open minded, and say ‘yes’ to every opportunity that comes your way, the universe will make sure good things happen to you. That was the premise of Danny Wallace’s book, and it seems to have worked out well for him – his premise has granted him a bestselling novel and a major Hollywood movie, starring none other than Jim Carrey himself. But is it something you should say yes to?

Well it is a charming film, but it also has some major flaws. The main one being that it is a Hollywood movie. Wallace’s book was (reportedly) non-fiction, so there was interest in finding out whether this London layabout’s life would be changed. In Hollywoodland, however, things are different. Were we really expecting Jim Carrey not to end up with the girl and become a better person by the end of the film?

Carrey plays Carl, a bank worker who is stuck in a rut. He doesn’t do much except sit in and watch DVD’s (and we all know how bad that is, right) and can’t even be bothered to get off his ass to go to his best friend’s engagement party. A chance meeting (is there any other kind?) ends up with him at a self help seminar which encourages him to make the most of life and say yes more often. Carl reluctantly agrees to try this new outlook on life.

This new outlook on life allows Carl to meet the kooky Allison (Zooey Deschanel’s Allison is the definition of Hollywood kooky. She rides a moped. She sings in a prog rock band. She’s got crazy hair! Look up ‘kooky’ in the Hollywood dictionary, and Zooeys picture will be right there.), go bungy jumping, get really drunk, and learn Japanese. However, when Allison finds out about his experiment, she gets angry and doesn’t answer her phone. Not exactly the high stakes of an international thriller.

However, this isn’t actually the point of the movie. The point of the movie is so that Jim Carrey can convince the world that at 47, he is still the rubberfaced pratfaller we fell in love with in Dumb and Dumber. Some of his falls are terrific, but the sight of a 47 year old Carrey with his 20-something contemporaries, is a little disconcerting. Also the minute you see him in a hospital smock, you know there’s going to be a middle aged ass on your screen within ten minutes. But with no one on the scene to usurp him as clown in chief, he is still the person you want slipping on that banana peel.

Chase reviews KNOWING

Knowing is the new film starring Nicholas Cage, so you know the formula. Nic has to save the world from BLANK by running around with a flashlight and using BLANK to BLANK. In this case the missing words are The Sun, Maths and SPOILER.

I can’t reveal what the last blank stands for, as it would not only be a huge spoiler, but it would also deprive you of one of the most unintentionally hilarious plot twists in recent memory. I’ll give you a hint – its right up there in the obvious plot twist directory, and its not ‘its all a dream.’

Having said that, it’s a Nic Cage movie, so we know exactly what obvious character traits and plot twists to expect. Nic is a single father with an alcohol problem, emotionally distant parents, and most shockingly of all he doesn’t believe in God. If you have no idea whether or not he reunites with his parents, ends up believing in God, or spends the whole film shouting “Where is my son?” then you clearly have never seen a Nic Cage film.

The premise is an interesting one. In the fifties, a spooky little girl; scribbles a string of numbers on a piece of paper and puts it in a time capsule, along with her classmates drawings of spacemen and hover cars. In the present day, the numbers fall into the hands of Astrophysicist Nic Cage who uses his astrophysicist training to put the numbers into google. He realises that the numbers predict major disasters across the world (although we are only really concerned with the ones on American soil.)

So far, so Shyamalan, but unfortunately the film descends into a sort of sub-par Twilight Zone as we move from (impressive) set piece to set piece, following Cage and his trusty flashlight.

All in all it’s a ridiculous Nicholas Cage film, so if you enjoyed national treasure, Bangkok Dangerous or the unintentional comedy of the Wicker Man, then it isn’t a bad way to pass a couple of hours. Think about it for more than fifteen seconds though, and plot holes and inconsistencies start to poke holes in Nic Cageworld.

Chase reviews SPRING AWAKENING

Spring Awakening, Novello Theatre, London

SPRING AWAKENING *****

Spring Awakening is a vulgar, stylish, odd and affecting musical that I was just not expecting. And I loved it.

As an adaptation of a banned 19th century German play of the same name, Spring Awakenings roots were always going to be in the taboo. Telling the story of a group of teenaged school children, it deals with masturbation, sex, abortion and existentialism. Although this is not what the piece is truly about. What Spring Awakening manages to masterfully convey is exactly what it is like to be a teenager. As High School Musical has outsold every DVD in history painting a picture of what teenaged life should be, Spring Awakening shows us how it actually felt to be a moody teenager. The popular rebel doesn’t get the girl and save the day; he is expelled and sent to borstal. The frumpy leading lady isn’t transformed into a stunning beauty when she removes her glasses; she struggles with her feeling of sexuality and ends up pregnant.

It has always been the number one rule of musical theatre that the songs should move the plot forward, and drive the narrative. Spring Awakening however ditches this formula, and lets us into the characters’ thoughts and feelings at that exact moment; feelings that are instantly recognisable to the audience. I recognised myself in the headmasters office, about to get my comeuppance for a prank or pratfall I had visited on my teachers. How much would I have loved to pull out a microphone and lead my friends in an in-your-face rock song entitled ‘You’re F*cked’?

And that is the huge strength of the show. It invites us to relive those moments of youth, and articulates those feelings and emotions with an energy and creativity that I can remember the teenaged taste of. It may not have been be up there with the microphone, but it was certainly how I wanted to think of myself.

Performances from the impossibly young cast are superb, with the programme noting that most are enjoying their professional debuts. Aneurin Barnard as the hero Melchior has a confidence and swagger that could front any indie band and Iwan Rheon’s portrayal of a twitchy and mixed up Moritz brings to mind a cross between Morrisey and Ian Curtis.

Not everyone will like Spring Awakening. It is brash and cool and young and jagged. But if nothing else, it is original, and that should be applauded.