Chase reviews : Stephen Wilces CV

It isn't an exaggeration to say that I have seen thousands of CV's in my time. You could say that I am somewhat of an expert. My own CV is so strong that it is written on delicious bacon. I have always had three specific rules that I have advised people to stick to in order to secure that dream job.


1. Keep it to three pages or less
2. Print it on delicious bacon
3. make sure that you replace all 'factual statements' with 'copious amounts of bullshit'.


The CV of Steve Wilce, until recently New Zealands most senior defence scientist, is not printed on any type of scrumptious pig product, and as such is initially disappointing. However, in a triumph of style over substance, the sheer amount of umitigated poppycock contained within the three pages measn that this is document of such fantastic fibbery, it deserves more attention.


As with any good publication, Wilce draws the reader in with a couple of believable tidbits to whet the appetite. Wilce claims that he was a British Royal Marine, and designed the guidance for a british missle. These lies are a work of subtle genius. Whilst it is indeed feasible that someone with facial hair may have indeed served in the British Military, this is blatantly not the case. Wilce's thin, weedy 'tache wouldn't stand up to the rigours of even the most rudimentary of barracks hazings, and his taste in ties is slightly gay.

Tie not becoming of an officer

The start might be slow, but once you get into the meat of the resume, you begin to see where the real genius lies.

Stephen Wilce claimed he was part of the Great Britain Olympic Bobsled team at the 1988 Winter Olympics, and met the guys who inspired the John candy film, Cool Runnings.


Seriously. Genius.


This whopper has the advantage of being so outlandish that you can't be bothered to fact check it. I mean, how does being an Olympic Bobsled Champion help you get a job in the Kiwi defence department? It is an outlandish lie for absolutely no reason, and that is where the genius lies.

Not pictured : An Olympic Athlete.

Overall, this CV is a solid entry into the genre, and would only receive a higher rating if it were printed on delicious bacon. As it is, I award this CV 4 stars.